A few months ago, I felt convicted by God about my resistance towards having another baby. I would see a YouTube video of a newborn, and everything in my being would yearn for a third child. But, my “rational” mind had seized hold of me, and all the reasons why not were all I could think about.
“It’s too soon.”
“We can’t afford it.”
“We don’t have the room for another baby.”
And so on and so forth. Every time my desire for a child sprang up, I squashed it with my reasonable explanations for why not.
Then, one day, I came across the Duggar family’s testimony. I read their first book, and was blown away by how their trust in the Lord had produced so many fruits in their lives. And I felt the Lord whisper, “Why would I give you a desire for another child if I had no intention of providing you the means to care for him or her?”
So, I went to my husband, and told him how I was feeling. Without much persuasion at all, he immediately agreed to start trying for another baby.
But, that’s just where this testimony starts, because it’s been two months, and I’m still not pregnant.
I’ve realized that there’s a different lesson to be learned in this season of “waiting for baby” than the one that I had thought. The Lord has shown me before, with both of my two children, in a million different ways, that He provides for these blessings He has given me. And, I do believe He wanted me to learn to trust HIS timing over my own. But, somewhere in the course of my previous two pregnancies, which happened so easily and without trying at all, I forgot that these children were from Him. He decides if I get pregnant or not. He decides when, or if at all.
I don’t know how, but I had made my own fertility a sort of idol in my life. I had genuinely believed that my husband and I had control over whether or not we had a baby. I believed that once we stopped trying to prevent a child, we would readily have another. I had not been prepared to NOT have a baby.
I’m not going to lie, this lesson has been harder than it would seem to learn. I was pregnant three times in three years. Babies felt PROMISED to me, as if because of my “good behavior” and desire to please Him, He owed me a child.
He does not.
Each month that I’ve realized I’m not expecting has hit me hard. So many doubts have crept into my mind. Maybe I won’t ever have another child. Maybe I misheard Him. But, I know, that none of these doubts matter. I’m praying for more faith in His timing. I’m grateful to be humbled before him, and reminded that the Lord God is ultimately in control of my life. Lastly, I’m praying for patience as I continue waiting for baby.