I have been having a bad week. My husband and I fought near constantly, mostly because my mood was sour and my stress high. Our family vacation is coming up this Sunday, but instead of excitement, I’ve found an increase in anxiety and financial worries. Tensions deepened the more we argued, and I’ve struggled to redeem myself from my nasty temper. I didn’t know what was wrong, or how to fix it. Maybe, somewhere not so deep inside, I didn’t want to fix it. I just wanted to wallow in how miserable I felt.
I think everyone has days, or weeks, like this. I don’t think I’m an exception to an otherwise happy humanity. But, I do think I figured out what happened.
You see, I’ve noticed that every time fury rises in my chest over something my husband has done or said, it’s because he was “interrupting” me. The same goes for my poor, sweet children suffering from an impatient mommy. My voice snaps because my plans get changed without permission: Noah gets the day off unexpectedly, Elijah dumps cereal all over the floor, or Moriah refuses to take a decent length nap. What it boils down to is that I would rather be doing something else (reading a book, watching YouTube, wallowing, etc.) than what they need.
How selfish of me.
This morning, I watched a sermon by Paul Tripp called “Grace Liberates Your Foolishness.” Conviction washed over me just a few minutes into the video. Despite what my emotions tell me in the moment, the problem hasn’t, in all actuality, been that I’m stressed, or that my family annoys me. The true problem has been that I’ve only been focused on me. Stress and hormones may have been a catalyst to my heightened vanity this week, but if I had meditated on the servant nature of Christ, my example, instead of immersing myself in entertainment or chores, I would have quickly snapped out of it.
Don’t mistake what I’m saying, however. I am glad this week has been terrible. I know that I am a failure, in many ways, and I am grateful for it. If it were not for all these daily mistakes, I might forget that only Christ is perfect, and that is why He is my savior.
“Not that I have already obtained this or am already perfect, but I press on to make it my own, because Christ Jesus has made me his own.” Philippians 3:12
I hope this quick post encourages someone out there. God bless you all.