As much as I’m embarrassed to admit this, I am not a put-together woman. I’ve missed many events I was supposed to go to, simply because I don’t keep a planner, and I forgot. My house may have clean dishes and clothes, but it’s always exceptionally messy, and sometimes quite dirty. I do have two children two years old and under, and I am pregnant, but that’s not actually an excuse.
Truth is, I’ve always been a messy person. My tidiness has improved since having children, out of pure necessity, but that’s not saying much. Laziness is the real problem. Most days, I feel “too tired” to clean, so I do the essentials and not much else. Clutter overwhelms every room. Lack of organization has homeless items piling left and right.
I’ve gone through periods of time where I’m on it. I follow all the homemaking advice I can get my hands on. Wake up before the kids. Meal plan. Create cleaning routines. Create morning and evening routines. Pick up as you go. Make your bed everyday. Anything and everything that I’m “supposed” to do as a perfect housewife, I do, at least for a few weeks. But then life happens (teething baby, sleepless nights, sickness, a couple of really busy days, etc.). Then, all my band-aid homemaking techniques fly out the window, and I’m back to watching YouTube all day under a blanket, to avoid the complete overwhelm I feel when I enter my home.
But I think that’s changing.
You see, I recently had a meltdown. Again. Maybe it’s the pregnancy hormones, but more likely, all my hidden sin and avoiding time with God finally caught up with me. Usually, when I’m not doing so well, I try to solve the problem myself. My solution might involve praying more or reading the Bible, but as a check mark on my to-do list, and rarely for fellowship with God. I understood, according the theology of my faith, that God is the true redeemer, and that without him, I can’t erase my sins. Laziness will always haunt me; I am completely helpless against it, without Jesus. There’s a real difference, though, between “knowing” the truth, and surrendering to it.
And I finally hit that wall.
This past weekend, after crying out to God in prayer, I felt led by the Lord to confess some deeply problematic sins to my husband and a close sister-in-Christ (separately, of course). Both confessions led to wonderful conversations and a new level of accountability from people I trust. The experience led me to one huge change in my prayer life.
I began to pray for the Lord to deliver me from temptation.
“Pray then like this:
‘Our Father in heaven, hallowed be your name.
Your kingdom come,
your will be done, on earth as it is in heaven.
Give us this day our daily bread,
and forgive us our debts,
as we also have forgiven our debtors.
And lead us not into temptation,
but deliver us from evil.'”
This may mean nothing to you. Perhaps you don’t even believe in God, or you, like me, already “know” that’s something you’re supposed to do. However, there is an inexplicably great contrast between praying the Lord’s prayer as a rote exercise, and truly weeping over my utter depravity. I have come to a point of true repentance for the life I have been leading. I want, so badly, to honor God with my life, for people to look at me and see Him.
Thank You, Jesus.
I pray that if you are reading this now, and you relate to what I’m saying, that you go to the Lord for help, in prayer. He is faithful. What is the real reason you are struggling? Ask Him to reveal hidden sins in your life. Much of what I was struggling with I didn’t even realize was sin until God showed me. Bury yourself in prayer and the Word. Get on your knees, especially if you don’t feel like it, and murmur to the Lord to give you the heart He desires again and again until the Spirit washes over you. Beg Him to change your life, leaving no detail unlisted. Last of all, believe that the Lord hears you, even if nothing changes right away, because He does.
If any of you lacks wisdom, let him ask God, who gives generously to all without reproach, and it will be given him. But let him ask in faith, with no doubting, for the one who doubts is like a wave of the sea that is driven and tossed by the wind. For that person must not suppose that he will receive anything from the Lord; he is a double-minded man, unstable in all his ways.
This post was only about the spiritual root of my problems as a homemaker (and wife and mother, since I’m being honest), but I actually do want to write more about getting the rest of my life together, too. As the Lord leads me, I will continue to post, in hopes that someone out there reads this and is encouraged. God bless you.